Signs of an Energy Vampire and How To Deal

If it’s spooky season, you’re probably used to seeing ghosts, goblins, skeletons, witches and of course, vampires, everywhere you look.

And while a vampire is easily identifiable by its sharp fangs that suck the life from its prey, did you know there’s another type of vampire that walks among us every day regardless of the season?

Energy vampires may not have the telltale signs of their scary counterparts. They may be someone familiar to you like your partner, best friend, sibling or coworker. And while they’re not out for blood, they can “suck” the energy from you with their ability to create and foster negativity in social situations.

Psychologist Brianne Markley, PhD, explains what to do if you realize you’re an energy vampire and how to cope if you have to interact with one.

What is an energy vampire?

“An energy vampire is someone who sucks the energy from you or from the group in a social interaction,” explains Dr. Markley. “They may create a negative or depleting experience during the connection, and they may or may not be aware of how their relational dynamic is impacting others.”

Anyone can be an energy vampire. But energy vampires may tend to be someone who may have experienced unresolved trauma, abuse or neglect. Certain people with mental health disorders like depression and anxiety or certain personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder may also tend to develop energy vampire tendencies.

Even if someone is struggling to connect with others in their day-to-day lives or has difficulties with social reciprocity or understanding social norms, they may easily exhibit energy vampire behaviors.

And like many other trendy terms to describe a situation or how someone acts (think “villain era,” “main character syndrome” and “ghosting”), being an “energy vampire” isn’t an official mental health diagnosis.

“It’s a descriptor of an experience or a social interaction style,” explains Dr. Markley. “It’s not necessarily a character trait or an end-all-be-all label.”

If you think energy vampire sounds like another popular phrase known as “trauma dumping,” you’re not far off. The two are somewhat related.

“An energy vampire likely displays these recurrent patterns of draining others in social interactions. And while trauma dumping can be draining to others and social interactions, it may or may not exist as a relational style of the individual,” she clarifies. “Ultimately, the difference here is that the intention of an energy vampire and trauma dumping is different, though the feeling on the receiving end might be similar.”

Signs of an energy vampire

So, how can you identify an energy vampire? Dr. Markley says to look for the following signs:

• They mostly talk about themselves.
• They often feel like they’re the victim.
• They refuse to take accountability.
• They’re typically pessimistic.
• They may be jealous.
• They demand attention.
• They use guilt to get what they want.
• They try to one-up the situation.
• They rarely ask questions about you or others in the group.
• They rarely show care or concern for you or others.

To further know if you’re in the presence of an energy vampire, Dr. Markley recommends, “Take a mindful moment to examine your experiences. Do you feel fulfilled? Is there a sense of joy and benefit from your relationships? Is there this reciprocity and how you care for one another?

“If so, you likely aren’t dealing with an energy vampire. Conversely, if you feel depleted and unfulfilled, if you’re exhausted by a relationship and there’s little reciprocity or mutual benefit, it might be an indicator that someone in your social sphere has energy vampire tendencies.”

How to deal with energy vampires

Dealing with a person who “sucks” the energy out of you can be frustrating. And those who consider themselves empaths or a highly sensitive person may be affected by energy vampires more than others.

“While anyone could attract an energy vampire, individuals who are highly empathic or sensitive individuals with poor boundaries, or those who might have difficulty with assertive communication, may be more likely to attract and be affected by this energy vampire phenomenon,” notes Dr. Markley.

So, what can you do if you encounter an energy vampire? Dr. Markley suggests the following:

• Manage your expectations. A relationship is a two-way street, right? If you’re feeling sad and disappointed that you’re not receiving the same support, it may be worth adjusting your expectations and realizing they may not be able to show up for you in the way you need or want. You can then decide from there how or if to proceed in the relationship.
• Practice using assertive communication. “By using clear and assertive communication, you can offer reflections of what you’ve noticed or how you’re feeling,” she says. “You can stress that you want this relationship to be healthy and fulfilling for both of you and that you would like to discuss some of the patterns you’ve been noticing.”
• Make sure you establish boundaries. You may find that you need to limit the time you interact with someone who is an energy vampire. So setting boundaries that work for you can help here. This may mean reducing how often you meet someone for coffee or dinner or reducing how often you chat with a coworker.
• Learn how to say “no.” It can be easy to say “yes” if someone is going through a tough time and needs help. But it’s OK to decline situations that put additional stress or burden on you — especially if they commonly turn to you to help solve their problems.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for space. And don’t feel guilty about taking that space. In some cases, you may realize you need to remove that person from your life. And that’s OK. At the end of the day, you need to protect your peace.

When communicating with an energy vampire, it’s important that you share how you’re honestly feeling, but do so with empathy and understanding.

“It can be difficult to navigate if this is a long-term friendship or if the dynamic has been going on for a while,” relates Dr. Markley. “You don’t want to upset the other person because you care for them in some way. But if it gets to a point where the relationship isn’t fulfilling, it’s draining, it’s depleting, it’s taxing on you, there needs to be some honest communication.”

How do I know if I’m an energy vampire?

Here’s a scary thought: What if you suspect you may be the energy vampire in your relationships?

It can help to look back at some of your recent conversations with friends, family and coworkers.

“Do you do most of the talking and are the primary focus of most of your interactions? If so, it could be an initial warning sign for potential energy vampire tendencies,” explains Dr. Markley.

If you have few friends, it might be important to consider how you relate to others and if the number of friends is a factor of that. But that doesn’t mean people with a small or close-knit group of friends are automatically energy vampires.

“If you prefer a small circle of friends and you have deep and meaningful connections, then that is great. That’s healthy,” she adds. “However, if your circle is very small and one-sided with you being the persistent and perpetual focus, it might be time to evaluate your interaction style.”

How to stop being an energy vampire

So you’re an energy vampire, now what?

Remember that half the battle is self-awareness — and now you can take steps to address any behavior that concerns you. Dr. Markley suggests the following:

• Understand your relationships. “It’s important to understand that friends or social connections serve an important function in our lives, but they shouldn’t be solely responsible for meeting your every need,” she notes. Reframing how you view your relationships can help set more realistic expectations.
• Look at the stresses in your life. Stress is all around us, but are there things you can do to reduce stressors that don’t involve leaning on others? Some popular stress management techniques include yoga, meditation, journaling and spending time in nature.
• Express gratitude. If you realize you’ve been hogging up most of the conversation with others or leaning on them for support, it can go a long way to acknowledge how much you appreciate them and that you realize you’ve been monopolizing situations.
• Seek additional support. If you find that you’re regularly needing more than you can give in relationships or friendships, you might need to seek some additional support. “And that’s OK. Therapy can be a great place to better understand the dynamic of your relationships, get some constructive feedback and address your needs more effectively and with the support of a professional,” encourages Dr. Markley.

Bottom line?

Being around an energy vampire sucks. But understanding why someone may dominate social situations with their own problems may help you learn how to deal with feeling emotionally depleted or drained from these kinds of interactions.

Remember that it’s important to express how you’re feeling and what you need from a relationship with an energy vampire — and to do so with grace and empathy. And if someone continually disregards your feelings, needs, wants or boundaries, it may be necessary to cut energy vampires out of your life.

“It pays to be in tune with your own relational dynamics or personality factors that might increase the likelihood of finding yourself in this situation,” says Dr. Markley. “Take a moment to look in the mirror and realize your needs, in addition to wanting to help others.”